Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Procedure today

Some people have a life verse from the Bible. I have a life chapter, LOL. Of course, I do love to be different. It's amazing though, that every time something is going on in my life that causes me fear or distress, I can go to Psalm 27. He always shows me something there! Today, He has led me to verse 6. Sometimes, it truly feels like a sacrifice to be joyful, but God asks us for sacrifices of joy, and for us to still sing praises to Him. Even though I am scared today, I will continue to sing praises to the One who already knows the outcome.                                

If you have read this blog in the past, you know that Victory in Jesus is very a special song to me.  I've decided that I will sing this song today, to remind me that He is always victorious.

A note about the procedure that I will have today. It is called a LEEP procedure, and I have had them done in the past. This isn't the first time I've had abnormal cells, it's just the first time I've had them along with elevated blood tests. Previously, the abnormal cells were rated a stage 1 abnormal, and these ones were rated stage 4. The procedure I will have done today is not painful, but does cause pain afterward. I will not need to be sedated, just some local anesthetic will be given, and I'm sure I will be wishing for more once the pain sets in!! The oncology doctor will be right there to test the cells they get, and they will remove all abnormal cells they see right then and there. Then he will test those cells and I will get all of the results, hopefully by Friday. Thanks for praying.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

More than I can handle??

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
Have you ever noticed that when people are going through struggles and trials, this verse gets quoted a lot? Or actually, misquoted and misinterpreted a lot? Over the past two years, so many well meaning people have said to me, " God promises not to give us more than we can handle", or even better- "Whatever happened to God not giving you more than you can handle?" I'll be honest here. There have been times when I've gotten alone with God and asked Him why. Why was my daughter born so early? Why did my daughter have a stroke? Why does my girl have a hard time walking? Why might I have cancer? Why, why, why??? Is this sinful in and of itself? Asking God why? No, I don't believe so. I mean, Jesus, the sinless One, asked that question why. He asked God why He had forsaken Him. My sin is self absorption. It's not the why, why, why- but the me, me, me!

So back to the verse above. I'm not even sure whether physical illness is included in temptation, but for now I'll just pretend that it is. This verse was written to saved people, God's children. So, I don't take this verse to say "Michelle, I won't give you more than you can handle." I take it to say(very loosely interpreted, LOL) "Michelle, I've already given you more than you can handle on your own. Remember Me. Talk to Me. You can't handle it on your own, but together we can get though it, and your faith in me can be even stronger. I will make a way for you to get through this."

I have been singing this song for the past couple of weeks, quite often. I will just continue to trust God's heart.

God is good!

Friday, February 18, 2011

A post about me

 So, a couple of weeks ago, I started to have quite a lot of pain in my right side. It was pretty bad, but tolerable for a few days. Then, it got so bad that I drove myself to the ER, during a snow storm. I FULLY expected that it was a kidney stone, I have had them before and it is exactly what it felt like. The doctors there took a few blood tests, then sent me for and ultrasound. As I had suspected, she immediately found a kidney stone on the right side. However, she then moved to look at the left side. I've seen that look on a sonographer's face before, the day I was told that Lily's brain was only partially formed. Knowing that I'm not pregnant, I really wondered what was going on in my body. The lady, who had been quite chatty with me before, was suddenly silent. She finished the ultrasound, and sent me back to my room.

Within a few minutes, the ER doctor was back. He wanted to send me for a CT of my abdomen. I asked him what was wrong and he said the ultrasound had showed a large mass on my left ovary. I've had PCOS for years, so this didn't bother me too much. The CT was easy and before I knew it, I was back in my room. That wait was miserable. The doctor finally came back in and told me he wanted to admit me, for an immediate hysterectomy. I was in shock and said no way! He told me that the mass was 16.7 centimeters and had cut off blood flow to my left ovary. The chances of cancer were high and they needed to remove it immediately. I asked if he knew for sure it was cancer, and of  course, they had done no biopsies or anything. So, I said I was going home and that I would call my own doctor. I had a ton of instructions and I had to sign papers stating that I wouldn't hold the hospital responsible if anything were to happen.

Fast forward a few days. Gracie got sick and was put in the hospital in the midst of everything. On the Monday after my ER visit, I went to my regular OB/gyn. He wanted to do an in office needle biopsy and blood work. The Ca-125 came back high. So, we sat on pins and needles again. On Sunday night, I was feeling perfectly fine, just a little more drained than normal. Suddenly, I realized I was bleeding, quite badly.On that list of instructions, number one was to return to the hospital with ANY bleeding. So, off I went. I got there and it was BUSY!! They stuck me in a room, put an IV in me and then did nothing. Finally, the same doctor I saw before came in. He ordered a blood pressure check- both sitting and standing. Wow. What a difference an hour can make! When I got there, my BP was a very normal 117/68. At this point the sitting BP was 89/56 and the standing was WAY lower. The nurse, who knows me as "Gracie's momma", looked quite concerned, and got me back in the bed immediately. I had to go for a CT with contrast, so I drank some NASTY stuff, and then I was basically knocked out from morphine. I woke up about 4 hours later to the doctor calling my name. I barely even remember having the CT scan or anything. I do remember when he injected the iodine into my IV, because I was mortified. It gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling all though your body...AND it makes you feel like you wet your pants!!! When I did wake up, the doctor had every intention of admitting me to the hospital. I even had a room number. Then I told him I was scheduled to see a specialist the next morning, and he sent me home. He said that it would be 2-3 days before I couldsee him inside the hospital, so he would send me home with strict orders to make my appointment.

Anyway- I'm tired of typing, so here is the condensed version- the hospital had to give me 2 units of blood. The next morning, I found out that the mass had gotten 6 cm smaller. The doctor did a needle biopsy and was able to get clear fluid from it easily. This test came back with level 3 precancerous cells, and the Ca125 came back higher than the first one. I also had a level 4 pap smear, which means abnormal cells there as well. This coming Wednesday, I will go in for a LEEP procedure. The doctor will go in and get scrape the abnormal cells out. Those will then be immediately tested, with both a radiologist and oncologist standing by. The specialist I see is about 95% sure that there is cancer there and he will need to remove the entire cervix. I'm going to be honest about how I am. I'm tired, in pretty constant pain, and scared. I have hope though. "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."

God is good!!
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