Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Looking unto Jesus

At the beginning of the year, I was challenged to create a theme for myself for 2010. I prayed about it, thought about it, prayed about it, and God kept coming back at me with Hebrews 12:2. 

"Looking unto Jesus..." became my theme for this year. It very well ought to become my theme for every year that He gives me on this Earth!!

I've decided to get very real and personal about the one thing that I have really had to look unto Jesus for this year. This is a hard post for me to write, but I want to be honest. I am struggling with something, every day, even as I write this.


I am constantly fearful lately. I wake up in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat, with tears running down my face. Usually three or four times a night. Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I will suddenly feel as though I can't breathe. My whole body feels like it is on fire, and my head starts to pound, out of control. The doctors call these panic attacks. I'm told that it's perfectly normal, because this year has been traumatic. Well, yes it has been traumatic, I won't disagree. I'm supposed to be LOOKING UNTO JESUS though!!! I've read the gospels many times, and I still have not found the part where Jesus had to get off the cross because He was having a panic attack!

Quite honestly, this fear of mine, no matter how VALID, is sin. So, I have decided to meet it head on.  Psalm 56:3 states :"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee". I CLUNG to this verse back in November. It got me through days of complete despair, because I was TRULY trusting in Him. Now, here we are, 7 months out, and I'm afraid of my shadow. I'm afraid of seizures. I'm afraid of Carbatrol and all of it's side effects. I'm afraid of normal childhood illnesses and fevers. I'm afraid of shunt failure and strokes. I'm afraid of hemiplegia. I'm afraid of cerebral palsy. I'm afraid to let her run and play. I'm afraid to make her stay on the sidelines and watch. I'm just afraid. I'm afraid that it will get to be too much and I'll give up on Jesus. I'm afraid to be this honest and real...but I need to. So, all this to request...please pray for me to keep looking unto Jesus. Please.

1 comment:

blessed beyond measure said...

Praying, Praying, Praying. Love ya

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