Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The seizure, part 2

I walked into the hospital, all by myself. I wanted to turn around and run the other way. I wanted to pretend none of this was happening. There was NO reason for any of this to be happening!! She had barely even been sick. Just a little fever...Gracie has had countless fevers these past almost 4 years. I went in though. I walked in, and saw her- still lying there, her hands and legs moving in these strange, non human looking way. Her eyes were mostly closed, but open just enough to see that she completely unresponsive. The ER doctor tried to open her eye to check her pupils, and couldn't even get it open. Her skin had a bluish tint to it. As I said, the nurses were bagging her, so her chest would rise and fall in a completely unnatural way. At one point, I turned and saw the NICU social worker, Mary, and I went running to her. Thank God she was there. She took me to a private room, so that I could just pray. She calmed me down, as much as she could...and she held me up every time I started to head to the floor. I only left to pray for a few minutes, and then decided that Gracie needed to hear my voice. So, I went in and sang to her. The doctor needed space, so I started singing in the hallway. I was walking all through the hall, singing How Great Thou Art and It Is Well at the top of my lungs. What a looney tune I must have looked like!!

I went outside for a few minutes, and Gracie's Sunday School teacher came running in. Tammy is my person. I look to her as a pattern, the way I want to live my life. So, when she came running to me, I gave in. The tears just started to flow. I don't know what I said to her- I probably didn't make any sense. I can remember at one point I heard the doctors say that we had a great support team. They have no idea. We went back into the hospital and just sat and waited. Our Pastor came, and he waited. My mom's best friend came, and waited. A good friend of mine, Jackie, came- and waited. There was nothing else we could do. I talked to Gracie and prayed and sang. I drank water out of every cup I could find, whether it was mine or not. Finally, they were able to intubate her and she headed off for a CT.

In the CT waiting area, I asked if anyone had a Bible. My mom always has hers in her purse, and she didn't let me down. I sat there and tried to read...but I couldn't see the words. Our Pastor came and took the Bible and read to me, Psalm 27. It's one of my favorite passages, so that's what I asked for. He had a hard time getting though it, he was choking up. It was scary to hear him like that, because he keeps a very good handle on his emotions. It took a long time to do the CT, because they had to re arrange all of the tubes. I poked my head in, and my favorite CT guy was in there. I looked at him, and said "She won't need a coloring book this time". Finally, they came out and we headed back to the ER. Dr. Kung came and told me that her shunt looked fine. I was SHOCKED to say the least. At this point, we knew we were heading to Rochester. Mary came and gave me Children's Miracle Network money to help with the costs. We decided my mom would ride with Gracie. I knew I couldn't do it, because I would be trying to "help". (I am a very controlling person at times.) It all happened so fast, from the time I knew she was going until the helicopter got there. I rode in the ambulance with her over, sang Jesus Love Me and The B-I-B-L-E to her. I held her hand and started to sing It Is Well again...and then we were already at the helicopter pad. So, I asked them if I could have a minute. I prayed with her and told her how much Mommy and Daddy love her and how much Jesus loves her. I kissed her and watched as they loaded her into that helicopter. AGAIN. We didn't wait for the helicopter to leave. Our pastor prayed and we took off, so we could get Josiah and get on the road.

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